1. Tenant understands that although the lease lists the start date as September 1st, it is actually whenever Landlord is in the mood to finish repainting.
2. Upon conclusion of the lease, Tenant shall return all keys to Landlord, including any duplicates still in the possession of Tenant’s exes, regardless of how awkward it is to retrieve them.
3. Landlord shall periodically turn off hot water for unspecified periods of time, but it is really for Tenant’s own good because cold showers are much healthier. Landlord is basically doing Tenant a favor.
4. Tenant understands that Building Manager is different from Landlord who is different from Super, and that each reserves the right to tell Tenant to get in touch with the others, depending on what kind of problem all parties will ignore.
5. Tenant shall refrain from posting aggressive notes in building common areas about the wack job in Apartment 2B. Such notes must be directly affixed to wack job’s door.
6. No social gatherings of seven or more individuals are allowed on building premises, unless Landlord’s son Bobby is invited and introduced to any single attendees.
7. Underneath the kitchen sink is GROSS.
8. If the damp, sagging section of the ceiling collapses, it was completely unavoidable, and Landlord accepts zero responsibility.
9. Roof access is strictly forbidden, unless Tenant captured a huge bug and wants some extra height from which to launch it onto the sidewalk.
10. Tenant acknowledges that the microwave provided is not required by law. As such, any complaints or maintenance requests regarding the appliance should be directed to Diana Kerbow, the former tenant who left it in the unit in 2004.
11. Tenant agrees not to greet Landlord if encountered outside the building, in order to avoid the awkward realization that Landlord doesn’t remember them at all.
12. No, the refrigerator door was not always like that and, no, Landlord is not responsible for fixing it.
13. No legal action may be brought against building management for falsely advertising “laundry in building” in the online listing, as it is technically true if Tenant gets creative.
14. Tenant shall deliver rent in a plain black duffelbag to a different location every month. Tenant will be notified of the location via text message from a series of unknown phone numbers. Tenant shall proceed to drop the bag at the given coördinates two days before the date named in said text message, in case any federal agents are monitoring their communications. Bills must be unmarked (one-, five-, or ten-dollar bills only). If Tenant thinks they have been compromised, they will NOT attempt to initiate contact, instead returning home immediately to await further instructions. Or, they can pay using our new online portal!
15. Tenant agrees not to buzz strangers into the building without halfheartedly asking who it is before accepting any answer.
16. Tenant understands that the radiator is supposed to make noises that sound like the building is about to explode.
17. [REMEMBER TO CHECK WITH LAWYER IF WE ARE REQUIRED TO DISCLOSE THAT SOMEONE WAS MURDERED IN UNIT.]
18. Landlord reserves the right to be weirdly nice to Tenant a couple of times. Tenant should not take this as an indication of a potential broader relationship.
19. Tenant may not use the security deposit in place of the last month’s rent in order to avoid interference with the deductions that Landlord has already planned.
20. Tenant may dispose of all junk mail addressed to “Current Resident,” but agrees to notify Landlord of any good Wayfair coupons.
21. In the event of being locked out, Tenant is forbidden from repeatedly running toward yet continually failing to grasp the bottom rung of the fire escape—as well as asking passersby for a boost—in an attempt to avoid paying the $50 key-replacement fee.
22. Tenant has received the mandatory disclosures about window guards and stove-knob covers. And now that Tenant’s eyes have glazed over—late fees for rent are $5000 per day.
23. Tenant is permitted to sublet the apartment as they see fit, contingent upon providing written acknowledgement that doing so makes them a landlord, too, in a way, and maybe they had it wrong about landlords all along.
24. At the end of the lease, Tenant agrees to not hang around during viewings and warn people touring the unit about what happened with the ceiling and how it could happen again.
25. Tenant will also not place signs that read “Landlord Sucks,” “My Ceiling Collapsed! Don’t Rent This Place,” or “TruthAboutUnit4A.com” around the apartment while the broker is taking pictures for the online listing.
26. Tenant acknowledges that the elevator is purely decorative.
27. There’s lead paint. Like, a lot.
28. Tenant affirms that they were notified of the building’s history of bedbugs, perhaps after having already paid a good-faith deposit and signing a few pages of the lease, but notified nonetheless!
29. Tenant affirms that they have read and fully understand the terms of this lease, or at least e-mailed it to their parents to make sure everything looks normal. 
The Rider to Your Lease
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