Wendy’s
Former slogan: Where’s the beef?
Thomas Hardy’s rewrite: Where’s the flesh of the tender Dorset cow, whose herd is dying of bloat?
Wheaties
Former slogan: The breakfast of champions.
Hardy’s rewrite: The rum-laced porridge you eat before auctioning off your wife and child.
Capital One
Former slogan: What’s in your wallet?
Hardy’s rewrite: What’s in your waistcoat? (Twelve pence and a violent nature.)
Olive Garden
Former slogan: When you’re here, you’re family.
Hardy’s rewrite: When you’re here, you’re two eccentric cousins living in sin.
FedEx
Former slogan: When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
Hardy’s rewrite: When it absolutely, positively has to be there in a fortnight.
Maybelline
Former slogan: Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Hardy’s rewrite: Maybe it’s a non-congenital Victorian illness that will kill her in adolescence regardless.
Target
Former slogan: Expect more. Pay less.
Hardy’s rewrite: Expect more. Pay with your flock of sheep that will go soaring over a cliff to their deaths, for this is the price of wanting.
L’Oréal
Former slogan: Because you’re worth it.
Hardy’s rewrite: Because you’re worth nothing, as you are a woman, and the town has made up its mind about you.
G.E.
Former slogan: Imagination at work.
Hardy’s rewrite: Imagination will get you nowhere, as your fate is to be a hay-trusser or poultry-keeper.
Verizon
Former slogan: Can you hear me now?
Hardy’s rewrite: Can you hear the crowing of the cock signalling an imminent catastrophe among the heathfolk?
Hallmark
Former slogan: When you care enough to send the very best.
Hardy’s rewrite: When you care enough to send a reconciliation letter that your wife will never receive because she has already drowned herself.
Calvin Klein
Former slogan: Between love and madness lies obsession.
Hardy’s rewrite: No notes. 
Thomas Hardy Takes a Rewrite Job at an Advertising Agency
Source: News Flash Trending
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